Communication Tools for Conflict

Conflict often arises during a disagreement and turns into an emotionally fraught interaction when couples begins to engage in what is called the the four horsemen. In addition to implementing the antidotes proposed by the Gottman Method, here are a few additional communication tools to help de-escalate a conflict and resolve disagreements or address complaints more effectively:

Incorporate reflective statements and validation

Too often, when one partner is done speaking, the other one launches into what they want to say. Disrupt “listening” with the intent of waiting your turn to speak and practice active listening. Underlying most conflicts is a desire to have one’s dignity, reality, and feelings validated.

I often tell couples it can feel like a heroic act to hold your partner’s reality and feelings in mind (even when it doesn’t fully make sense to you) and empathize with their feelings when you’re feeling misunderstood and invalidated by them, but doing so can have a positive ripple effect on the relationship.

For example, say your partner says “I don’t want to waste my time searching for cheaper airline flights, so I went ahead and bought the tickets that day.” Instead of launching into your perspective that this is “financially irresponsible, hasty or not acceptable to you,” first attempt to affirm the difference by stating “I understand you want to use your time wisely and it can be a hassle to check for better flights, and I really want to make sure we aren’t going over our budget for travel. I hope we can come up with something that aligns with what we both want.” So many couples I work with tell me “it doesn’t feel natural to communicate in this way” and my response is always “healthy and effective communication is often not natural.”

Turn “right checking” debates into future requests

One of the most ineffective interactions I witness is two people arguing about the “truth” of a past event or using superlatives (such as you always or you never) that lead to a hot potato debate of “no I didn’t” and “yes you did.”

The reality is, two people will not remember a past event in the same way as subjective filters are stronger than objective assessments. And when a motivation to defend oneself is present, that filter is even stronger. When this occurs, I urge couples to stop the “right checking” of history and make a future request.

This can look like: “we clearly do not agree on who washes the dishes more but I’d like to ask you to do them more frequently than I perceive you doing them right now. Maybe we take days, what ideas to you have?”