Conflict often arises during a disagreement and turns into an emotionally fraught interaction when couples begins to engage in what is called the the four horsemen. In addition to implementing the antidotes proposed by the Gottman Method, here are a few additional communication tools to help de-escalate a conflict and resolve disagreements or address complaints more effectively:
Practice asking for what you need
Too often, couples exacerbate fights because they are not explicit in what they are asking from the other person. It’s important in the aftermath of a fight to narrow down what the underlying need was and to keep this need conscious next time a similar argument ensues. For example, when tension rises, one might say “I really want validation for my perspective and to be told it makes sense” or “in talking about the dishes being dirty, I’m want you to recognize how hard I work to get everyone done in the evenings.” When you have more clarity on the underlying need or ask from your partner in heated interactions, defensiveness and the feeling that you are "being blamed or criticized” is often reduced.
Incorporate reflective statements and validation.
Too often, when one partner is done speaking, the other one launches into what they want to say. Disrupt “listening” with the intent of waiting your turn to speak and practice active listening. Underlying most conflicts is a desire to have one’s dignity, reality, and feelings validated. I often tell couples it can feel like a heroic act to hold your partner’s reality and feelings in mind (even when it doesn’t fully make sense to you) and empathize with their feelings when you’re feeling misunderstood and deeply hurt or invalidated by them, but doing so can have a positive ripple effect on the relationship. For example, say your partner says “I don’t want to waste my time searching for cheaper airline flights, so I went ahead and bought the tickets that day.” Instead of launching into your perspective that this is “financially irresponsible, hasty or not acceptable to you,” first attempt to affirm the difference by stating “I understand you want to use your time wisely and it can be a hassle to check for better flights, and I really want to make sure we aren’t going over our budget for travel. I hope we can come up with something that aligns with what we both want.”
Turn “right checking” debates into future requests
One of the most ineffective interactions I witness is two people arguing about the “truth” of a past event or using superlatives (such as you always or you never) that lead to a hot potato debate of “no I didn’t” and “yes you did.” The reality is, two people will not remember a past event in the same way as subjective filters are stronger than objective assessments. And when a motivation to defend oneself is present, that filter is even stronger. When this occurs, I urge couples to stop the “right checking” of history and make a future request. This can look like: “we clearly do not agree on who washes the dishes more but I’d like to ask you to do them more frequently than I perceive you doing them right now. Maybe we take days, what ideas to you have?”
Acknowledge impact.
One of the most healing things a partner can say to a past or current wound created by choices one or both people made is “I acknowledge that what I said or did hurt you, I can account for that, even though I disagree on the narrative.” Once again, you can account for an impact without agreeing with your partner. Many of us are socialized to think that if our intent is good and we do not agree with our partner’s story, we do not need to acknowledge the pain it caused as that is their problem. This is a recipe for emotional disconnection. The pain is there and telling your partner that they can choose to interpret events differently isn’t going to erase the fact that the pain is there. We look to our partners for emotional security, so acknowledging pain created within the relationship is imperative in maintaining that secure bond and trusting our partners care about our feelings more than being right. For example, let’s say you came home late due to a work deadline and even texted your partner letting them know you are tied up and won’t be home in time. The next morning, your partner says “I get you have work, but I am really upset because I was really hoping to talk to you about something.” Your natural instinct might be to say “what do you want me to do? You need to understand the nature of my job and accept I’m going to be late sometimes, it’s not reasonable to be upset.” Instead, I’d recommend saying something more along the lines of “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to talk to you last night. I want to hear what happened, can we make time to talk today? I’ll do my best to give you more advanced notice, but some days it might not be possible given deadlines and that sucks on days when you really need me.”