How to Develop A Strong Sense of Self: A Practical Guide
Many clients over the years have asked “what does it mean to know oneself” or “what does a strong sense of self look like?” These phrases and questions get thrown around a lot in the field of psychology, but rarely are they concretely defined with practical steps to get there.
When people talk about “high self-esteem,” they often imagine someone who appears confident, infallible, or socially savvy. Clinically, self-esteem (and I’m going to closely link this with self-worth) is much more subtle and internal: it is genuinely liking yourself and the deep belief that you are worthy of care, respect, love, and belonging even when you are imperfect, unchosen, seemingly ordinary, or struggling. A strong sense of self is closely related in that it means you know what you feel, think, value, and your actions consistently match your core principles. A strong sense of self also comes with being authentic, viewing yourself accurately, admitting wrong, and being in touch with what gives you real pleasure, meaning, and joy—be it through hobbies, the substance of your work, or within your relationships.
Note that a strong sense of self is not contingent upon a fused relationship with one’s persona (titles, achievements, career choice, income, number of likes on social media posts, or external successes), though these can sometimes be by products of a strong sense of self.
One of the most sobering truths most psychologists may tell you is that most people, albeit unconsciously, do not think they are worthy or deserving of love or good things simply for being a decent person. Most people internalize that connection, self-acceptance, and happiness are contingent upon having to earn it outside of being kind to others. I cannot tell you how many of high achieving and ultra successful people I’ve worked with—particularly during my MIT and Harvard years—who thought extremely poorly of themselves and were plagued with self-critical thoughts on a daily basis. I worked rigorously with these individuals to help them internalize the belief that their identities and worth wasn’t dependent on their tally of accomplishments in comparison to their failures or rejections (or what I call the capitalist treadmill of “more” accolades and CV success).
Below, I outline a few ways one can work on developing high self-esteem and a strong sense of self:
Separate worth from performance and practice follow through on realistic goals
Worth is not conditional. Worth is also not a zero sum entity that is contingent on karmic actions and being helpful, good, or productive all the time. Begin by noticing how you evaluate your worth on a daily basis and ask:
How do I feel about myself today? Was it based on my productivity?
Did someone’s disappointment or approval change how I saw myself?
Did I treat a mistake or “wasted time” as evidence of who I am?
Make a deliberate “CBT intervention” to separate outcome from who you are with more wise mind statements such as “the outcome may matter, but it’s not a reflection of my core strengths or deficits per se.” Self-esteem rises when you learn that imperfection and a lack of output doesn’t = thoughts of “I’m a loser.”
The element of performance that is linked to self-esteem is setting some attainable goals and achieving them. These goals should not just be tied to external validation and achievements (or one time wins…such as a prestigious scholarship or trophy) but should also tied to personal growth. For example, setting a goal of making 3 self-compassionate statements to oneself each day and following through on it for a week can build self-esteem!
Also, don’t fall into the trap of comparisons…for too long. For example, I can sometimes be hard on myself for not moving faster on starting my publishing career by finishing a draft of a peer reviewed article I’ve been working on for a year now (I partially and accurately blame my busy practice, my other job, and kids…). Instead of going down the rabbit hole of seeing how many articles others in my field have published already and feeling inferior, I redirect my energy to following through on my realistic goal of writing 3 sentences per day. It feels abysmally small sometimes, but it is achievable given my reality and makes me feel good when I do it! Another realistic goal that gives me a boost of self-worth each day is having one ultra-positive interaction with each of my kids. This isn’t just a good conversation or moment, but an inflection point of love, a burst of laughter, or a genuine repair when I mess up. I can check that one off most days.
Learn to stay with emotions without self-judgement
One facet of emotional intelligence is the ability to experience a wide range of feelings without becoming overwhelmed, reactive, or ashamed of them. So what does this have to do with a strong sense of self? People with low self-esteem often judge or quickly disavow their internal experiences if they believe it makes them appear weak and their internal monologue may reinforce “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “something is wrong with me.” This fragments your sense of self.
Instead, practice what I call developing a “protective voice” that stands firm with your authentic emotions and validates them - kinda like the loving parent you never had who tells you that you have a right to feel what you are feeling and it’s communicating an important need. For example, I had a client tell me she felt insecure and “riled up” upon seeing a picture of her ex-boyfriend’s new partner on instagram. She was immediately inundated with judgements towards herself such as “I’m so pathetic,” “I’m not good enough,” and “I feel so slimy for constantly looking for new photos of them.” We spent a long time distilling down her reactions to her core emotions: sadness, jealousy, and longing. Helping her normalize these feelings was a process without the layer of interpretation and judgement she mapped onto them. However, once she was able to stay present with her sadness and the non-linear process of grieving her past relationship, she described feeling more human, connected to herself, and less judgmental around her lingering attachment to her ex as it indicated to her how much he meant to her and how deep her feelings ran.
Clarify your values (not your preferences)
What you like and what you value are two different things. Preferences change. Values are organizing principles that guide choices under strain and are a core parts of one’s identity. Without values, self-esteem relies on external sources. For example, in helping people identify their values, I will give them a list of 50 core values and have clients rank their top 5 and events and life experiences where these values came to life. For example, from a young age, I knew authenticity, vitality, creativity, and adaptability were core values of mine. I struggled to perform and people please and intuitively knew living on the full spectrum of emotions was valuable given my naturally high empathy. Making art in various forms has always been a part of my life and an anchoring part of my identity—be it jewelry, paintings, pottery, photography, poetry, and calligraphy (it was how I coped with loneliness as a child). Also, as a bicultural individual, I was forced to adapt to two worlds growing up and this turned into a life long commitment to adapt to different environments and learning to connect across differences with diverse people. These values led me to my career. Self-esteem grows less from feeling good about yourself and more from respecting yourself—one of the best ways to do this is living according to your values.
Practice saying “No” without elaborate justification
Setting healthy boundaries without guilt or excessive disclaimers is a hallmark of healthy self-esteem. Why? When self-worth is tenuous, saying no feels indulgent and unearned. If you’re able to practice this, as awkward, rude, and uncomfortable as it may feel, take advantage! Start with low stakes asks by stating: “I will not be able to do that” or “It doesn’t work for me” or “thank you. But I’ll need to pass.” Notice the urge to justify and stop yourself. Every time you say no without additional explanation, you reinforce the idea that your needs matter, you do not owe others an immediate reason for not meeting their needs, and allows others to accept your response without protest (if they do want a reason, then go ahead and be more honest if it’s necessary…but don’t immediately start with it).
Practice differentiation
I’m not going to say a lot about this one here other than to redirect to another blog post of mine that is all about the importance of differentiation and how to develop it. In a nutshell, low self-esteem feeds on emotional fusion whereas high self-esteem stands solid amidst others thoughts, feelings, and needs that sometimes pull for someone to forfeight parts of themselves to appease the fragile parts of others.
Cultivate self-compassion with accountability
Self-compassion without accountability can sometimes be letting oneself off the hook and not taking responsibility for one’s errors or making necessary changes. Self-compassion is the ability to examine one’s behaviors, choices, and mistakes without sinking into spirals of shame or unhelpful thinking patterns. It’s the ability to be kind to yourself, have curiosity and empathy for why you did what you did, while also learning from the outcome and doing something differently next time. For example, I’m working with a couple right now where one partner regrets asking for a divorce and moving out only to return several weeks later when she realized she wants to give the marriage another chance. Though she wishes she had taken a different approach or used different language to voice her desperation that led to her feeling like divorce was the only option, a part of our work was helping her have compassion for this choice as it indicated how stuck she felt and it was a manifestation of her deep anger at her spouse for not taking her previous alarm bells seriously. Having compassion for herself does not need to come at the expense of not having deep empathy for her spouse and acknowledging the rupture and betrayal he felt when she asked for a divorce. Holding both truths is a challenge, but important in respecting and feeling empathy for all parts of our evolving selves.
Tolerate being disliked and disapproval without abandoning yourself
This was is not easy, but high self-esteem comes from the ability to anchor yourself in an honest assessment of your behavior and who you are even when you learn others are disappointed, confused, unhappy, or do not like you. Though it’s understandable to feel hurt and want to know why someone doesn’t approve of you or your choices, excessive rumination, retaliatory behavior or thoughts, and efforts to get someone to like you are all indictors that you may need to work on liberating yourself from these opposing voices—and trust me, when you do, it will be one of the most freeing experiences of your life.
As someone who has taught graduate level courses for many years, I have received at least a dozen course evaluations. Though most comments and feedback are overwhelmingly positive, there’s usually 1-2 students who either disliked me or my course. Though these used to bother me quite a bit in my earlier years as a professor (and yes, I would fixate on the exact comments these students left…especially if the feedback felt personal and not constructive) as I wanted to make my class a phenomenal experience for everyone, I quickly learned this isn’t possible. Though I still value integrating in actual feedback to my curriculum, I’m adept at knowing what is useful vs. what is a projection or someone getting out some discontent via an anonymous forum and I am better at letting it go. Plus, approval is finicky and can change pending someone’s mood or personal issues. Self-respect and and liking oneself is more reliable.
Cultivate close relationships and moments (with anyone) by being kind, empathic, and present
Deep connection is often the antidote to many internal forms of suffering. In all my years as a psychologist, I’m convinced that most of what human beings do in life is all in the service of feeling accepted, loved, and seen positively by others—be it those who are closest to us or those in our respected circles. What we can sometimes become blinded by is that this rarely is this sustained via our external accomplishments, looks, or the number of people who follow us on social media. There’s an old adage that goes something like people don’t remember what you say, but how you made them feel. And it’s often true.
When I worked at MIT, I ran several groups and I recall doing one exercise over and over again with my students who struggled with a positive self-image. I asked them to write down 1-3 people they most admired or viewed positively. Not surprisingly, no one wrote down famous figures like Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, or a Kardashian. Most wrote down ordinary people from their own lives who were kind, lived by their values, and made them feel seen through their commitment to basic loving gestures and words. George Saunders gave a powerful convocation speech in 2013 at Syracuse University where he shared that what he regretted most in life were failures of kindness. One of the most striking lines from that speech was not Saunders recalling moments of being cruel or mean, but “those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded….sensibly. Reservedly. Mildly.” He was alluding to moments where he didn’t do anything wrong per se but could have been more actively warm and kind. Saunders goes on to share that as people age, they tend to naturally become kinder and if becoming kinder and more loving is inevitable as we age, why not start now? Erring in the direction of kindness, empathy, compassion, and being present, now according to me, is one of the biggest sources of self-esteem, self-worth, self-acceptance, self-anything positive you can invest in as this is the biggest marker of who you are.
In essence, high self-esteem and a strong sense of self come from knowing one’s worth doesn’t come from external output or titles, following through on realistic goals, knowing one’s feelings and honoring them, feeling protective of oneself in the face of mistakes and failures and learning from them, tolerating disapproval, having clear values and living by them, and most importantly, cultivating strong relationships and choosing kindness whenever possible.