What makes couples therapy successful?
Couples will get the most out of the process if they are willing to learn new skills, apply them outside of sessions, invest in developing more self-awareness, acknowledge their role in negative patterns, and if they are willing to be emotionally vulnerable with one another. Some couples are well equipped to do these things while other couples are limited in these skills but are in invested in changing in order to save their relationship. Here are 4 critical factors that will strongly predict success in couples therapy:
1. If you are in a relationship where your fights escalate quickly and you end up yelling, saying things you wish you could take back, or behaving in ways you regret, it will be important for you do some work regulating your emotions on your own. Emotion regulation also applies to individuals who are cut off or not able to access their emotions. Dialectical behavioral therapy offers several tools for identifying, naming, and managing emotions in less unhealthy ways. DBT also helps individuals get in touch with more vulnerable emotions, such as sadness, hurt, or fear, which are often masked under anger, defensiveness, and avoidance. This involves incorporating mindfulness techniques into your daily life, catching your triggers and what your partner does or says that sets you off or shuts you down and why, and taking steps to manage heightened physiological arousal so your emotions so not speak for you. I’ve worked with many high conflict couples who were unable to stop their arguments from de-escalating in session, even with my best attempts to intervene, and this ultimately does more harm than good. An equal amount of harm is done when one partner completely shuts down and is unable to stay present with a conflict.
2. Focus on your role in the problem. Many couples come to therapy with an agenda to make the other person change. This will often fail. Even if one partner feels more like the problem, there’s a dynamic at play and important not take a stance of “I’ll change when they change.” Are you too impatient or do you steamroll your partner when disagreement arises? What can you do to change your passivity, avoidance, control issues, or lack of initiative? Do you avoid feelings and go straight to problem solving? Though the primary goal of couples therapy is to improve the relationship, I strongly believe it’s also an opportunity to invest in being the best version of yourself. It is the not the job of couples therapist to fix your relationship, rather, the therapist's job is to teach you how to fix your relationship.
3. Sometimes, couples believe showing up the one hour of weekly therapy will be all the work they need to do. The vast majority of work occurs outside the session. Couples are expected to apply insights and suggested changes discussed in sessions outside of sessions. Changing how you relate or communicate to your partner is a challenging task, especially when distancing or negative cycles have been the norm for months or years. All too often, couples return to therapy the next week stating they reverted back to their old ways after the session ended and did not think about the session at all during the week. Understanding the barriers to change may also be a central focus of the couples work for some period of time and may involve simultaneously investing in individual therapy.
4. Some couples say they need to make fast changes. This is understandable given many couples come to therapy at a point of desperation. Even if highly invested couples make significant changes early in therapy, sustaining new patterns it the bigger challenge. Having realistic expectations is extremely important given therapy is not a magic bullet. Creating a more satisfying and loving relationship sometimes calls for healing past wounds and practicing communicating in ways that are brand new or strongly go against ingrained patterns, which can sometimes take a long time. Trying to get to a happier place quickly may also be the very thing that is exacerbating the problem. A useful parallel is going to a personal trainer after neglecting your body for years and asking the trainer to give you toned muscles and the ability to run a mile under 4 minutes after a few sessions. Not realistic, right? The same is true for therapy—it takes time and a handful of sessions are often not going to create sustainable changes!