Information about Couples Therapy
What to expect when starting couples therapy
I offer couples a free 30 minute screening call to briefly learn about their core issues, previous experiences in therapy, and to answer any questions about approaches or my practice.
In the first joint intake session, I focus on learning about a couples’ history together, including difficulties and strengths. I may recommend 1:1 assessments after this joint session in order to obtain relevant background information, including family of origin and romantic relationship history.
These early sessions are important for couples to get a sense of my style and whether I feel like the best fit.
What is your approach in working with couples?
My approach is grounded in attachment theory and emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT). EFT focuses on re-establishing a secure bond in the relationship by expressing vulnerable emotions and unmet needs, deepening empathy and understanding, and repairing the impact of past hurts. It also helps decrease recurring conflicts and finds long term solutions to differences and disagreements.
I also draw from Bowenian Family Systems Therapy (BFST), particularly the concept of differentiation—helping each person identify their separate thoughts, feelings, and needs and to untangle them from the other’s. This allows couples to better understand and manage their differences with clarify and compassion.
Modern relationships, accounting for cultural differences, are often most successful when two people preserve a strong sense of self while being emotionally connected rather than falling into patterns of co-dependency or enmeshment.
Throughout this process, I strive to create a safe and empathic environment in which both partners feel heard and comfortable sharing their experiences. Couples issues are often conceptualized as a “cycle” that both partners are contributing to and are rarely the sole responsibility or fault of one person.
I strive to ensure each partner has an equal opportunity to voice concerns, feelings, and thoughts throughout the process. I am highly active and will help interrupt and change any negative cycles that happen during the session.
Given the more vulnerable and complex nature of couples therapy, it is imperative that couples feel comfortable telling me when they feel I was misattune (not getting it), biased, or where they disagreed with something I said. Continuous feedback is extremely important as it allows me to modify my approach if it’s not working and to model how to appropriately respond to constructive feedback.
My clients often describe me as intellectually sharp, assertive, caring, humorous (when appropriate), and committed. When appropriate, I will spend additional time doing research, consultation, and reflection after sessions in order to ensure I am as effective as possible in helping create change. Given I almost exclusively work with couples and have seen 400+ couples over the course of my training and career (I’m not exaggerating…I saw my first couple at the age of 23 in my first year of grad school), I feel very confident and skilled working with the most challenging problems couples bring to me.
How are sessions typically structured?
Once goals are clearly defined and the assessment/intake process is complete, I often encourage couples to take responsibility for how they want to use their time with me and to come prepared to the session with a focus or specific topic in mind—whether it’s a recent argument or past unresolved issue. I will also have a running list of questions and focus areas I can bring up if couples feel they need guidance.
What is the most common reason why couples seek therapy?
Most couples seek therapy due to an escalation of issues that can no longer be ignored. Though it is recommended couples seek therapy long before they reach a point of acute distress, many couples simply do not have the time or resources to invest in preventative services nor are they often aware, in the early periods of difficulty, that problems can escalate beyond what they can resolve on their own. A large portion of couples seek therapy due to stuck communication cycles. Under the umbrella of “communication issues” and “poor conflict management” are a wide range of ineffective patterns that include some of following:
The inability slow down, take in, or validate another’s experience and feelings when one disagrees with a partner’s version of events or feels defensive
The desire to be “right” and assert an “objective truth” vs. accepting that two people will have two subjectively different memories, interpretations, and emotional responses to an event
Not turning complaints or unspoken expectations into clear requests
Resentment or unresolved pain/anger coming into a current interaction and preventing the couple from problem solving issues
Do we need to be married or even engaged to start therapy?
No! At least half of all couples I see are not married or engaged. Couples therapy can be done at any juncture in a couples relationship and is recommended long before conflicts and destructive patterns become frequent. As with individual therapy, couples therapy is also an avenue to increase self-awareness and communicating better. Beginning couples therapy early can also establish a solid foundation in the relationship and give a couple concrete tools for navigating future challenges.
How long is couples therapy and what is the average time couples spend in therapy?
Unlike individual therapy, I only work with couples for sessions that are 55 minutes or longer. Couples often take time getting into their issues and once conflicts are unearthed, the added time helps de-escalate and properly address what’s been opened up. I often work with couples weekly to begin as changing communication and relational patterns is a diligent process and requires an invested commitment from both partners. The length of time couples spend in therapy often varies, but it is recommended couples commit to at least 4-6 months. Some couples will spend a year in therapy or more pending their specific needs.