Information about Couples Therapy
What to expect when starting couples therapy
Before scheduling an initial consultation session, I offer couples a free 30 minute screening call to briefly learn about their core issues, previous experiences in therapy, and to answer any questions about myself or my practice.
During the first joint intake session, I focus on learning about a couples’ history together—not only the difficulties but also their strengths and positive experiences together. After this first joint session, I may recommend 1:1 assessments in order to obtain relevant background information, including family of origin and romantic relationship history, that will aid me in understanding current struggles. Couples can also do this assessment together in one joint session or at a later point in therapy pending what is clinically recommended. It is imperative couples take these first few meetings to decide if I’m a good fit. If I am not, that is totally fine and I will even offer a list of other therapists who may be a better fit.
What is your theoretical orientation and approach in working with couples?
My training is grounded in attachment theory and emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT). EFT focuses on re-establishing a secure bond in the relationship. The goal is to help each partner voice more vulnerable emotions and unmet needs, develop or increase empathy and understanding for one another, effectively communicate requests, repair the impact of past hurtful events, decrease repetitive arguments, and to find long term solutions to differences and disagreements. Another key approach I use is helping each partner “differentiate” and identify their separate thoughts, feelings, and needs and to untangle them from the other’s thoughts, feelings, and needs so they can understand and effectively hold the other’s differences and more clearly know and own theirs. Modern relationships, accounting for cultural differences, are often most successful when two people are interdependent versus co-dependent or enmeshed with one another.
Throughout this process, I strive to create a safe and empathic environment in which both partners feel heard and comfortable sharing their experiences. I avoid taking “sides” and hold positive regard for each partner, no matter how each partner is presenting in the session. Couples issues are often conceptualized as a “cycle” that both partners are contributing to and are rarely the sole responsibility or fault of one person. I strive to ensure each partner has an equal opportunity to voice concerns, feelings, and thoughts throughout the process. I am highly active and will help interrupt the negative communication cycles that keep couples stuck.
Given the more vulnerable, complex, and high stakes nature of couples therapy, it is imperative that couples feel comfortable and able to tell me directly moments where they felt I was misattune (not getting it) or where they disagreed with something I said. Continuous feedback is extremely important as it allows me to modify and change my approach if it’s not working and it allows me to model how to appropriately respond to critical feedback with humility and a lack of defensiveness.
My clients often describe me as intellectually sharp, assertive, caring, humorous (when appropriate), and committed. I often spend some time doing additional research, consultation, and reflection after sessions in order to ensure I am as effective as possible in helping create change. Given I exclusively work with couples and have seen 400+ couples over the course of my training and career (I’m not exaggerating…I saw my first couple at the age of 23 in my first year of grad school), I feel very confident and skilled working with the most challenging problems couples bring to me.
How are sessions typically structured?
Once goals are clearly defined and the assessment/intake process is complete, I often encourage couples to take responsibility for how they want to use their time with me and to come prepared to the session with a focus or specific topic in mind. I will also have a running list of important themes, questions, past events, and focus areas I can bring up if couples feel they need guidance.
What is the most common reason why couples seek therapy?
Most couples seek therapy due to an escalation of issues that can no longer be ignored. Though it is recommended couples seek therapy long before they reach a point of acute distress, many couples simply do not have the time or resources to invest in preventative services nor are they often aware, in the early periods of difficulty, that problems can escalate beyond what they can resolve on their own. A large portion of couples seek therapy due to communication cycles that they seek stuck in and that create more harm. Under the umbrella of “communication issues” and “poor conflict management” are a wide range of ineffective patterns that include some of following:
The inability slow down, take in, or validate another’s experience and feelings when one disagrees with a partner’s version of events or feels defensive
The desire to be “right” and assert an “objective truth” vs. accepting that two people will have two subjectively different interpretations of an event and different emotional responses to it
Not turning complaints or unspoken expectations into clear requests
Resentment or unresolved pain/anger coming into a current interaction and preventing the couple from problem solving issues
Do we need to be married or even engaged to start therapy?
No! At least half of all couples I see are not married or engaged. Couples therapy can be done at any juncture in a couples relationship and is recommended long before conflicts and destructive and/or unhealthy patterns become frequent. As with individual therapy, couples therapy is also an avenue to increase self-awareness and to learn more effective ways of communicating. Beginning couples therapy early can also establish a solid foundation in the relationship and give a couple concrete tools for navigating future challenges.
How long is couples therapy and what is the average time couples spend in therapy?
Unlike individual therapy, I only work with couples for sessions that are 55 minutes or longer. Couples often take time getting into their issues and once conflicts and pain are unearthed, the added time helps de-escalate and properly address what’s been opened up. I often work with couples weekly to begin as changing communication and relational patterns is a diligent process and requires an invested commitment from both partners. The length of time couples spend in therapy often varies, but it is recommended couples commit to at least 5-6 months. Some couples will spend a year in therapy or more pending their specific needs.