Many couples have core beliefs about romantic relationships and marriage and what “should be” that often is not realistic, even accounting for cultural differences. The media and perceptions of others’ relationships (at least on the surface) can reinforce these harmful beliefs. Some of the most common myths I hear are below:
My partner “should” know what I need. One of the more romantic fantasies people have is the idea that a partner will be able to intuitively know our needs, feelings, and desires without having to communicate these explicitly. This is understandable given as young children, we needed our parents to intuit our needs given our verbal limitations and this need, when not consistently met in childhood, will continue to exist into adulthood. People are disappointed when years into a relationship these needs are still not automatically deciphered.Though some individuals are predisposed to be relationally attune and can absorb information about their partner’s in a way that does not need to be said out loud, others are not wired to be this way and need continuous explicit direction. This is often less a sign that someone does not care and more about how someone processes information, with more naturally empathic people being better at it. Also, this does not mean partners can’t learn and practice meeting specific needs without being asked when these have been explicitly shared.
My partner should meet my emotional needs. People come together for a variety of reasons and often choose each other in the beginning due to common interests, values, or having “tons of fun together.” The courtship phase doesn’t often come with events that allow couples to understand the deeper emotional needs each person has when ruptures within the relationship or difficult events occur. Though it’s important that couples invest in doing their best to meet each other’s emotional needs when these are made known, the idea that it “should” happen can create more friction when this isn’t occurring as seamlessly as expected due to a partner’s emotional limits or conflicting needs. It’s also healthy for couples to get some of their emotional needs met outside the relationship, through friendships, hobbies, or work as one person cannot meet the multitude of needs one person has.
Conflict is bad and should be avoided. Conflict is inevitable given no two people are perfectly alike and differences and disagreements are a natural aspect of a relationship when two people are being authentic. When people say they avoid conflict, what they often mean is they do not like unresolved conflict that escalates and leaves people more disconnected and hurt vs. connected and understood. It is possible to disagree and still stay connected at the same time. Tension during disagreement is inevitable and an opportunity to explore options, find compromises, or demonstrate flexibility in honoring a partner’s needs or preferences, with the knowledge that balance around who gets their way or needs met in specific situations is maintained.
If my partner loved me enough, they would change. This is another romantic belief that can exacerbate a lot of pain. I firmly believe someone has to love themselves first before they undertake the arduous process of attempting to change an ingrained behavior, part of their personality, substance use problem, or emotional blocks to meeting their partner’s needs. Motivation to change for someone else is less effective than motivation to change for oneself and one’s loved ones. It is possible to deeply love someone and still struggle to change as certain emotional and behavioral changes require rewiring the brain or opening up emotional doors that have long been closed due to trauma, masculine gender role stress, or other adverse childhood experiences.
Needing my partner is a sign of weakness or co-dependence. As human beings, we are wired for connection and very few of us can survive without both the emotional and social support of others. Everyone has emotional needs, even if those needs are less tangible but just the knowledge that someone is there. Other needs are more concrete, such as physical touch, words of affirmation, or physical presence and empathy during a difficult time. Most individuals are best able to function independently when certain core needs are met by a small number of individuals and a romantic partner. Distinguishing between emotional needs and co-dependence is important given they are two very different things. Co-dependence occurs when an individual is unable to accomplish basic life tasks without a partner’s help or presence and cannot function without this person.