Common Relationship Myths
Many couples have core beliefs about romantic relationships and what “should be” that often are not realistic and tend to create a lot of distress. The media and perceptions of others’ relationships (at least on the surface) can reinforce these harmful ideas. Some of the most common myths I hear are below:
My partner “should” know what I need. One of the more persistent romantic fantasies is that a partner will simply “know” what we need, feel, or want without being told. That expectation goes back to childhood: as infants and young children we relied on caregivers to anticipate needs before we could name them. The longing for someone who intuitively understands us can carry into adult relationships. This isn’t to underestimate how nice and wonderful it feels when someone does naturally “get us,” but when it doesn’t happen, it also doesn’t mean a core incompatibility.
When years into a partnership those needs still aren’t automatically picked up on, disappointment and hurt are understandable. It helps to understand some people are naturally more relationally attuned — they notice cues, infer feelings, and respond without explicit instruction — and others aren’t programmed that way and need clear, ongoing communication to know what to do or say. This difference is usually about how people process interpersonal information, not a lack of caring or compatibility. In fact, the deliberate work someone does to meet needs that aren’t easy is more a sign of love than attunement that comes without thinking.
My partner “should” meet my emotional needs. People often come together because they share interests, values, or simply have “tons of fun together.” These are the most common reasons I hear when I ask “what drew you to one another.” Early courtship doesn’t usually reveal how partners respond when the relationship is tested—by misunderstandings, losses, or other ruptures. Those moments expose deeper emotional needs that weren’t obvious during the honeymoon phase. I’ve yet to meet a couple who answered my question of “what brought you together” with “I could tell he/she/they would be solid in the face of my biggest losses or struggles.”
It is important for couples to try to meet one another’s emotional needs once those needs are known, to the extent that it’s important to the other person. But, treating this as something that “should” happen is a major fallacy in thinking. Partners differ in capacity, emotional style, and available resources; what feels natural for one person may feel overwhelming or inaccessible for another. Expecting seamless responsiveness ignores those limits and can leave both people feeling wounded or resentful. When you realize a partner can’t meet a specific emotional need or it’s a work in progress, think about expanding emotional support (think of Ester Perel’s work…one person can’t be everything). It’s normal and adaptive to get some needs met outside the relationship—through friends, family, hobbies, spirituality, or work. No single person can supply every emotional resource another person requires and this doesn’t mean intimacy is rocky as a result if you get other things from your partner. When couples accept that needs are multiple and sometimes better met in different places, they reduce pressure on each other and create more sustainable connection.
Conflict can or should be avoided. Conflict is inevitable—no two people are perfectly alike, and differences and disagreements are a natural part of a relationship when both partners are being authentic. Often when people say they “avoid conflict,” what they really mean is they dislike unresolved conflict that escalates and leaves both partners feeling disconnected and hurt rather than understood and close.
Disagreement doesn’t have to mean disconnection. It’s possible to hold opposing views and remain emotionally close if you’re not threatened by your partner’s difference (which is the key). One of the highest levels of emotional growth and maturity is being able to stand firm in your views while honoring your loved ones contrasting views. When you’re able to do this without protest, you can more effectively problem solve.
If my partner loved me enough, they would change. This is another romantic belief that can exacerbate a lot of pain. I firmly believe someone has to not only love, but fully accept themselves first, before they undertake the arduous process of attempting to change an ingrained behavior, part of their personality, substance use problem, or emotional blocks to meeting their partner’s needs. Motivation to change for someone else is less effective than motivation to change for oneself and one’s loved ones. It is possible to deeply love someone and still struggle to change because certain emotional and behavioral shifts require rewiring neural pathways, reopening emotional doors that have long been closed due to trauma, gender-role stress, or other adverse childhood experiences.