Information about Couples Therapy
What to expect when starting couples therapy
Before scheduling an initial consultation session, I offer couples a 15-20 minute screening call to briefly learn about their core issues and goals for therapy. I also answer questions about my practice, scheduling, and billing.
During the first intake session, I focus on learning about a couples’ history together—not only the difficulties but also your strengths and positive experiences together. After this first joint session, I may schedule one on one assessments with each partner in order to obtain relevant background information, including family of origin and romantic relationship history, that will aid me in understanding the your current struggles. Couples can also do this assessment together in one joint session or at a later point in process pending what is clinically appropriate. It is imperative couples take these first three meetings to decide if I’m a good fit. If I am not, that is totally okay and I will even offer a list of other names.
What is your theoretical orientation and approach in working with couples?
My training is grounded in attachment theory and emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT). EFT focuses on re-establishing a secure bond in the relationship. The goal is to help each partner voice more vulnerable emotions and unmet needs, develop or increase empathy and understanding for one another, effectively communicate requests, repair the impact of past hurtful events, decrease repetitive arguments, and to find long term solutions to differences and disagreements. Another key approach I use is helping each partner “differentiate” and identify their separate thoughts, feelings, and needs and to untangle them from the other’s thoughts, feelings, and needs so they can understand and effectively hold the other’s differences. Modern relationships, accounting for cultural differences, are often most successful when two people are interdependent versus co-dependent or enmeshed with one another.
Throughout this process, I strive to create a safe and empathic environment in which both partners feel heard and comfortable sharing their experiences. I avoid taking “sides” and hold positive regard for each parter, no matter how each partner is presenting in the session. Couples issues are often conceptualized as a “cycle” that both partners are contributing to and rarely the sole responsibility or fault of one person. I strive to ensure each partner has an equal opportunity to voice concerns, feelings, and thoughts throughout the process. I am highly active and will help interrupt the negative communication cycles that keep couples stuck.
My clients often describe me as intellectually sharp, assertive, caring, playful and humorous (when appropriate), and committed. I often spend some time doing additional research and reflection after sessions in order to ensure I am as effective as possible in helping create change.
What are common reasons why couples seek therapy?
Most couples seek therapy due to an escalation of issues that can no longer be ignored. Though it is recommended couples seek therapy long before they reach a point of acute distress, many couples simply do not have the time or resources to invest in preventative services nor are they often aware, in the early periods of difficulty, that problems can escalate beyond what they can resolve on their own.
Under the umbrella of “communication issues” and “poor conflict management,” are a wide range of ineffective patterns that include some of following:
The inability slow down, take in, or validate another’s experience and feelings when one disagrees with a partner’s version of events or feels defensive
The desire to be “right” and assert an “objective truth” vs. accepting that two people will have two subjectively different interpretations of an event and different emotional responses to it
Not turning complaints or unspoken expectations into clear requests
Resentment or unresolved pain/anger coming into a current interaction and preventing the couple from problem solving current issues
Other common reasons couples seek therapy are due to parenting challenges, sexual/intimacy discrepancies, emotional stagnation, infidelity, monetary issues, sociocultural differences, disagreements around big life decisions, in law conflicts, etc.
Do we need to be married or even engaged to start therapy?
No! At least half of all couples I see are not married or engaged. Couples therapy can be done at any juncture in a couples relationship and is recommended long before conflicts and destructive and/or unhealthy patterns become frequent. As with individual therapy, couples therapy is also an avenue to increase self-awareness and to learn more effective ways of communicating. Beginning couples therapy early can also establish a solid foundation in the relationship and give a couple concrete tools for navigating future challenges.
How long is couples therapy and what is the average time couples spend in therapy?
Unlike individual therapy, I only work with couples for sessions that are 55 minutes or longer. Couples often take time getting into their issues and once conflicts and pain are unearthed, the added time helps de-escalate and properly address what’s been opened up. I work with couples weekly to begin as changing communication and relational patterns is a diligent process and requires an invested commitment from both partners. The length of time couples spend in therapy often varies, but it is recommended couples commit to at least 4-6 months of weekly therapy. Some couples will spend a year in therapy or more pending their specific needs.